akutq

if there's one valuable lesson I've learnt today, it is of course related to relationship, and it is to never ever let your guard down, or be weak in front of a man...even if he claims he loves you. because the truth is, he is doing nothing but ridicule and look down on you, every time mistakes were done.

I know, that humans has flaws, but I have too many. To be honest, if all my life I have been the one to bend, I will never ever even achieve anything today. Like the story of my Add Maths, Allah knows just how my mind can't translate those systems of mathematical constructions at all. But because I never bend, and because despite my unwillingness, a lot of people were kind enough to push me beyond my limit, to raise me for every little achievements I'd done, and to tell me that I did great just by staying in the path and to continue for it.

if ever I have crossed path with someone who would ridicule me and told me my opinion is worthless, my dreams are meaningless and I would never succeed even before I am starting, without giving me any words of encouragement while understanding my situation like all my kind friends did back then, I guess I would have really destructed myself back then, like I did today.

Now I understand, why all more experienced women, ones who are wiser, tell me that I should never hoe too much for a man to always be the nice guy I wanted, because in the end, men are all the same. They look down on you, the don't resect your oinion, they never areciate your decision. What's worse, they'll never ever tolerate your flaws even if they retended they do.

throughout this relationship, I only remembered saying yes to everything, and to admit I am worthless before he would say sorry, but still hold on in being right. It's always about him, being superior, and great, that any of my show of weaknesses or shortcomings would be a satisfying victory to his ego. He won't admit. He would say that he made sacrifices.... but I never asked for them. I sulked a bit, and he would say he gave u his life because of me.... he would treat me as nuisance and make me feel small again with my attitude, showing the sulking art.

I admit, I am weird, I might be too handful, but I never looked down on him, and always will try to tell him that he's great. sometimes I would demand some times, but he always think of it as a nuisance once something he is chasing for comes before him.

so many times I thought, would it be worth it to feel so small and so not confident in myself
for my entire life? Is it worth it to be seen as a pleasure object and be looked down on? Would it be worth it to be afraid of showing my weaknesses even to someone I trust with my life?

I don't know. I want a break... I wanna rest. I'm tired of feeling inferior when I was once such and independent and strong-headed girl.. who got just about anything that I want when I started to work for it. He's right, I should be more independent, more strong-willed. And for that, I won't be too comfortable around him ever again... I would focus on myself and have less of him. Let him do what he wants, I should just stop worrying, and care more about me. If I want to be happy. maybe... just be away from him, if that would help my pathetic self. And...never, ever, trust him for my dreams.... Because in his eyes, I am already a failure.