akutq

I know, I told myself, stop having a heart. Stop thinking that he would treat you like a woman just because you thought you are one. Stop expecting because you'll be dissappointed once it doesn't happen the way you want it to be.

But how stupid I am. I let that childish woman in me creep out. Set her face on my face. When I have been successful not to be anything but smiles and angry (genuinely).

But STILL... that stupid me said, TQ, you're exhausted, on period, emotionally unstable, and just a woman (immature one as the case may be). Sulk a bit, the way you did before. Today is your day. You deserve a little bit of it.

And you did. You sulked over the smallest thing possible. Him not giving you attention as you were talking while he was looking down attentively to his phone. You did, and you feel happy because once more you are feeling a little bit alive, like an emotionally unstable woman. Like any other woman in the world. You did, and you felt satisfied as you let it pass before you're feeling better.

All you wanted to do was, tell him. Hey, I told you something just now and you didn't listen because you're looking down you're phone. So I sulked a bit. But I'm cool now hence I want to tell you about it. My blouse got a bit torn, that was what I wanted to tel you. I hope you're cool with me sulking (though I did't say it) and I am really hoping that you would comfort me a bit and say, alalala sorry sayang. sorry eh. huhu (or something like that)

But instead, you turned to me, your face all blushed, being very angry, and told me, kau buat macamtu aku tak marah pun kan. aku biar je. Aku ok je. I was taken aback a little. You actually had done that so many times too, but I didn't complain about it. I just smiled looking at you, being so focused, yet dissatisfied because I didn't get the attention I wanted. Yet I just let it pass. And when you felt dejected when I didn't listen to what you were saying, I would either ask you again, or apologize for not giving you the attention you might need when you tried to talk to me. Again and again feeling very guilty while trying to "pujuk" you even when you didn't really need it.

I was just expecting you to look at me and say, ala sorry awak x perasan lah. Sorry eh. Then I would just has ended it with a smile while saying that I'm okay. Instead, you got real mad a t me, And I just held myself from crying right there because I'm trying my best to protect your dignity in front of all the guys there. I just tied my best explaining myself to you when inside I was hurt so deep thinking that the only time I got to spend with you is going to be spent with you being mad at me.

I honestly was feeling so miserable inside, I just wanted you to understand. I don't want the apology of general thing when you don't even know what you are apologizing for. It was so meaningless, I didn't think I should even accept it. I just wanted you to approach me maturely, looking at me and slowly talk to me so that I would stop feeling sad. I don't want you to falsely hopping around like a kid when inside you were neither happy, nor excited. I just want you to be gentle and understanding and a little bit less self-centered.

I know, I'm demanding your attention and your love. I know you don't know what is the proper way to treat me as a woman. I know you might not love me, or you just don' know what you feel about me. But I just hope you would treat me like a woman, when I obviously was being miserable and tired and unstable. I wish you would think about me first before you think about yourself, just once in a while. I wish you would just let me win,like any other men in love would.

I just wish darling, that you'd be a real man, start thinking of me as a woman you should respect, and that we would be able to create a mutual love together. Because you might think that you're in love with me, and ready for commitment. But for me, you don't. Not in the time being