dissatisfied me

It's a lie if you say that you are not hurt when your casual conversation is being misunderstood to be sensitive. To be like the old you.

I have in all clear words said that I would change. And that is really the truth. I am in this whole world is gaining my strength to be different. To just study harder, to just try my best to not feel hurt, to completely change the old negative me.

I might seem failing in my endeavor, but mind you, the struggle is real. The sacrifice I had made is real. The effort I had put in is real. I am in my utmost capability is trying to change, while staying comfortable being myself.

But I realize, that those are useless, as the one who sees what I am trying to do is myself alone. And I don't want my effort to be in vain. I was trying with all my strength to look strong. But then my body was just so tired without reason that I looked gloomy. I try with all my best to be courageous. But then, I had stayed insignificant that the impression didn't last for long. I was trying all my best to not be a burden. But in the end, I still rely on others as I could not stand alone.

I don't know if this is the thoughtless me, or should I, or am I deserving to feel hurt when it seems like the person that I am very proud of, that I talked about to my friends, that I tell my friends clearly about my love to him, seems ashamed, or even not proud to be asked, if he really do love me. I don't understand why, when I put away my pride and gathered around his friend, when he had a theater show, or when I stayed at his kuliyyah's cafe when I knew people who knew him were looking weirdly at me, or when I was in CiTra while I knew his friends were questioning him on why would he choose me ( or even be seen with me), yet I put aside my pride and endure it all and be grateful for having him by my side. While it seems like it is seriously shameful question to be asked a simple, 'are you serious with her' or to be seen with me at a place where a lot of people know him.

I really don't know. I don't know if it is because I am less, or is it just because he is afraid about the world's perception against him. For me, I would accept just whatever the world has against me just to be by his side. Not because I am obsessed, but because I believe that no one else can be better for me than he is. I would never say that other people lost their chance when they did not get me, but I would say that no one else would have the chance that he has. Because I always believe that he is the one.

I am grateful for having him, that I don't know if he ever feels enough of me. I sometimes can't help but feel that he is not happy with who I am. That he hopes that I am a different person. That I should change the way I am because I am not good the way I am

Well, if that is the case.... if it is because I am not enough just being the way I am, yes. I am hurt. But I would want to tell this to the whole world. That I am happy being me. And nothing can ever make me happier. If I am to change according to their demand, then I would. If it would make them feel less embarrassed or dissatisfied. But mind you, I would lose my identity, and who I am, and feel dissatisfied once I feel that the world doesn't accept me enough, and would always want more.

Because if life can only be meaningful because the world accepts me, then I would succumb to that need, and be what the world wants me to do.

If me without a problem is the only thing that would make him satisfied, then I would change until I don't even have my real heart anymore. I would be perfect. Amazing. Outspoken. Bubbly. Graceful. And in the end, be the person who I am not meant to be. And make the world happy, while I lose myself slowly. I would promise that. And would make it the truth.