akutq

I'm still bleeding, and it was black. I've had a very long period time, lots of bleeding i thought when I stop my pill, the bleeding would stop too. I have finished the course, with a day where I did not eat the medicine. so i completed my course in 21 days instead of 20. I thought the bleeding almost stopped, my blood became thicker and smaller in amount, but it came out more when I woke up this morning.

I don't know if what I'm having is repayment of my sin. I don't know what is really happening to me, whether I would survive, whether it was malignant or not. I don't know who would care to know if I tell them this. I don't know... I am too depressed, my mind is not even working well. I don't know how to be strong when the truth is I'm afraid.

In this kind of time, when I think that I just miss everyone, I don't have anyone. I don't know what can I do. I realize... I'm lost and all that I have done is crying. I just want to freeze the time and stay there frozen not moving not doing anything. I am so afraid, I need help, I need someone, but no one.... I have no one... I have no one....

I miss the positive me who would stand up and be positive, and be brave, but now I'm just a crybaby who whines on anything. I hope Allah will still accept me, even if I don't have anything else. Because He is the only one I can tell anything to, and I miss Him.