When it hits

Everytime a bad thing happened, and I fell down, I would almost, all the way would get up again. The problem with me was, I always got lucky, I almost take things for granted. I know myself, my ability. I know myself where I stand in all potentials that I have. Academic, talents, work, I know I an do them if I tried. But I didn't. I don't know how to face my parents and tell them in their face that I almost failed. Too close now I'm at a stage gasping for air. The reason? Because I was too far from my zone. So far even from the door step of the real zone I should be in. I'm not a failure, I never was. Yet, I let my feelings taking control over my body, not my head.

One thing I know about next semester, I will spend more time alone, reading. I will quiet down and try to achieve my goals. I know, it is not easy to change what's been done, but I still have chance. God has been merciful, though so many times, I defy Him.

I know where this is coming from. I know the cause and I will not pretend like I don't anymore. I might have to sacrifice everything that I've ever embraced, but it's alright, I need to be making sacrifice. For my own good.

It'll hurt, leaving things that makes me feel alive. It'll hurt, thinking that I failed again. It'll hurt if I can't fulfill my duty as a good daughter. It'll hurt, if I don't meet my own expectation.

There'll be no relaxed me. This time, I'll do everything and anything to fix myself. I'll struggle even if I will fall. I'll do whatever it takes to make my life right.

This is not just a resolution, this is a pledge. To academic advisers, lecturers, and whoever great for teaching. I'll need your help. To my happy private life, I'll have to halt now. And to all my friends who quiets down or see me differently because of my consecutive failures, although you weren't there to tell me that I did wrong, that I can do better, I know better off hat now my life is all on my own. I know people has been looking at me like a failed, weird bitch, but I will change that. I'll be around the place where you'll see me studying like my life depends on it.

Things get more challenging, time by time. And I won't hesitate anymore. Sorry for those I hurt because of my foolish leisure ways. Sorry I wasn't good enough for you guys.

But this time, I'll be different. And you'll see it. Starting from now.