akutq

Penat sebenarnya, bila hidup dalam keaaan yang mana ad hati yang perlu dijaga, dan dalam keadaan yang mahu hati dijaga. Hati ni abstrak. Juga subjektif. Kadang2, aku penat ada hati macamni. Dulu, before aku tau apa tu sayang, kalau orang tu bukan family, tak pernah aku kisah pasal nak jaga hati dorang. Aku jujur je kalau bercakap. Aku buat je apa aku nak buat. Sebab bagi aku, jaga hati orang ni hanya perlu kalau aku nak dia pun jaga hati aku. Tapi, aku jarang kisah. Aku tak rasa pun penting nak jaga hati orang. Sebab aku tak tahu rasa sayang. Tak pernah rasa hati tu, sesuatu yang ada perasaan.

Then, aku tahu cinta tu apa. Baru aku tahu, sakit rupanya bila orang yang kita sayang, dan rasa sayang kita, tak kisah pasal hati kita. Baru aku tahu, perempuan ni lemah rupanya. Aku jadi penakut, tambah lagi bila aku belajar rasa sakit, sebab sayang pada orang yang x sayang aku dengan cara yang sama. Aku jadi.... lemah. Baru aku sedar, dunia ni perlukan hati yang simpati, hati yang tolak anur, hati yang sayang.

After being hurt, I started being more sensitive, more careful. I started to observe the way I treat others, and about how others would feel in my every actions. I also got older. More matured. I sometimes cared too much that it burdened me, but that is how I turn out to be. The new me. The now me. 

Hence, I always try to be as kind as I can be but sometimes, my old heart comes back. And I somehow regret that I turn into this woman I am. I'm tired of feeling sad, so afraid of being dejected, rejected, being bored of. I am so afraid to feel like I will once again be unappreciated. I easily feel low and lose my confidence. I tried to not be that way, but I always failed while doing presentation. or being confident in my mingling with people around me. What is worst, I always feel not qualified for my boy friend. He is such a nice, loving, understanding person yet, I still doubt I am good enough for him. I am always afraid that I would make him mad and lose him. I am being very negative I would want to smack myself in the head sometimes.

I don't know, I don't want him to feel less in his love. But I keep on giving him trouble. Taking his time, fight with him on small things. Always feel like he doesn't understand me, when I am the source of my own fuss. I should really change. I will give him all the space, all the time that he wants for himself. As long as he would be happy. And as long as I can continue to rely on him to make me laugh and loved. That is enough. Because as far as I know, I can only be grateful that he loves me. And I should not hope for more.