Talking Alone

Can I just love someone right now and have that person responding to me? Sometimes I keep on wondering on why the hell didn't I fall in love with any guy I know here in CFS. It's like all the excitement towards having that kind of special someone has just faded away a long while ago as day by day I am eaten by my own insecurity.

Often I tried to at least be true to myself and let myself to have crush on a boy, but it doesn't last that long. Maybe I have a too high standard for a perfect boy to be liked. Like this word I quote from twitter

idk why I even bother gettin crushes on people because its not like i'm gonna end up dating them anyway so like its such a waste of feelings

Yeah, it's kinda I have this mentality in my crazy head. Because me getting liked by the kind of guy I like is kinda... almost impossible. It's hard to catch up to the standard I set on the guy that I can like because as what my mom said, I live in a high standard kind of life. Even me myself is not that sure why I set those kind of standards in me. I don't really have specific standards, just someone who I can't take my eyes off because of all the qualities that I like in them.

Again, contradicting to the qualities, me myself is not that great of a person. Beauty, intelligence, personality and attractiveness are the things that I do not have in me. Sometimes I do hope and wish that I can break my walls with people, guys especially and just be brave and bold like other girls when it comes to be friendly, sweet and soft around guys. But that will never be the case of my life. Because I'm awkward with all the guys ever existed in this world except for my dad and brother. Even the one I'm comfortable with. Sometimes I just hope I would not be like that, but I just can't. So yeah. I will always remain this way I guess.

Until, I found the perfect guy. Until then. I promise, until then.