Greedy, immature me

Henlo...

I've been crying quite a bit tonight. Maybe because of my menstruation or maybe because my stupidity, but yeah...after a while I felt so bad I wanted to cry. Tbh, this week had been quite the week. Hectic and all but I survived. Phew.

I honestly has been feeling quite lonely these past few months. I'm so happy to meet the people from office, my cat and my parents back in Jengka (the priority :P), and people around Kuantan at court or event which I don't really care about before. I'm happy just for any social interaction nowadays.

Since my fiancee started working in May, I would say that between me and him, it has been quite distant. Maybe because we are both tired in adapting to this new career world...but yeah. Sometimes I think it's because my fiancee is having a lot more fun outside with the new and old people that he got to mingle around with while being free from my grip (this attention seeker = me).

It has been five months of awkward relationship... and more than a year since our ldr started. I missed him all those time, and was very glad I am engaged to him so our family doesn't mind him staying over or meeting me when we have the chance. our last meeting was in August, early August...and it was only for half a day (due to the journey time factor to travel from Kuantan to JB). That last meeting was what kept me going until now but I am feeling hollow again now.

Being in an LDR like this makes me feel more or less so distant from my own fiancee. It's so hard to contact him, and though I know his end of work time, most of the time he doesn't contact me after his work time. He must have been tired, I understood, so I said nothing and just let it be.

However, today, I don't know why... I suddenly felt so distant that I cried (still am while typing my rant right now). I'm just feeling so sad that I am not able to know what is he doing when he asked for some time. I mean, it supposedly not to be a big deal... but I just felt so sad without reason. For real, we are getting married next year...but it suddenly felt like I'm going to be gtting married on my own without the groom with me. I suddenly lost hope in this relationship. Is this a test?

I love him. I do. So much that it hurts. But I don't know why lately that love is only half than what it used to be. like I'm losing the strength and the hope to keep it going. Like I'm alone in doing this effort because I can't see him trying. As usual, at least that is what a greedy, immature me is telling me.

I should be arranging my life, be strong and finish my work. But I don't have the strength right now. I'm feeling very uncomfortable I feel like throwing up. how do I stop this tear from rolling down. I feel so suffocated... I feel like I can't sleep but I want to sleep for a long time. I feel so weak and hopeless, I want a person to lift me up. But I don't see hope, or people who would say that I would be fine. A person who would say that I should just keep on trying, that I am loved, that I am okay.

Abang, I love you. I do. But please, care a bit more about me. Because I'm struggling alone. And I feel like I'm not loved. Like I'm no longer important. My insecurities are hauling, coming back at me. Imiss you. Please listen to my scream. I'm screaming inside. I want to be treated like woman who is loved. I feel so insignificant right now it's hurting me. I,ve kept this insid so long it's beyond control. Please. I beg. I beg you.

Just a simple call, a simple question like are you ok? a simple word like I love you. A simple praise like you are my beautiful woman. A simple something that can be done. A simple call. All those simple things. to keep me occupied.