Make things right

I admit I am of the clingy type. Maybe that's why when I feel like I'm being ignored, I'll create this ruckus and havoc. Looking at it, it makes me realise that I somehow has turned into a typical girl who you can search anywhere. I lose my cool. That's how I can put it.

I once thought that being emotional was such a waste of energy. Hence, I trained myself to be a real heartless girl. Since I was a kid, boys never dared to pull a prank on me. I never responded to it. Girls? I was emotional with girls since I was little because I know, girls are soft creature. I should treat them with care. But still, I acted cool. I never cared about having a boyfriend like my friends did. I did not bother having a phone like my friends did, because I thought at that time, texting or calling for fun were useless actions. I never cared if I looked like a mess or I was being ugly, it's up to me. Why bother? In another word, I did not grow up knowing that life of a kid should be filled with so much desire and passion for small things. I used to call them petty stuffs. Because they would not bring me anywhere. And I think, that little me was right and more matured than I am now.

Growing up, I suddenly have this weird attitude. I envy my friend's lifestyle though I tried to control it. I wanted pretty bags, purses, blouses that match my printed scarves. A lot of things that I thought were weird, I started to have them. I am thinking that I might be too carried away now.

I want to succeed, to be different. But I make myself plainly ordinary. I cared too much about my heart. Yeah, falling in love can happen, wanting a happy life with a man I love can happen. But they should only come after accomplishing my dreams. I have too many dreams, too many wants that I want to accomplish. Yet, I got stuck with my own emotion. I used to have such a brave, big heart but now? I chickened out almost every time I have to deal with my life issues.

Maybe I've let myself dream too much. Maybe I should find a way to wake up. I lack of will because I let my heart be engulfed with useless feelings, terrible petty fear. I make my small problem big. It's not even far away, my future. I should start now. Living my life right. The way I want it to be.