akutq

'Invest all sorrow, doubts and worries in your damn freaking diary!' say someone in Twitter.

Right now at this moment, my heart is all over the places. I'm not in my straight and right head yet everything around me is moving so fast. Too fast even. I fee so lost, so not used to everything making me hate my own self.

Priority, my mom always said. I need to put what's important at the highest level of my heart and brain. I guess for this time in this semester I want to focus just on my studies alone. I need to achieve what I need to achieve for that life, that scholarship, that niat that I'm learning something because of Allah.

To be honest up to this point I'm still not sure with what I'm doing. Yes, it's undeniably proud when I can say to people that I'm an Aikol-ians. A law student! What a great title that is!

But the problem here is that me myself. my heart is not fully into this course. Laws. I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I'm feeling it and I don't want to lose my way around. Seriously. What should I do? I just feel lost somehow. Right now in times like this I wish i could convey my feelings to people dear to me but would they listen to understand or would they listen to judge? That's the thing that bothers me and has stopped me from going forward to really say whatever that is in my mind right now.

It's almost week three and I still feel lost somehow. How much faster I should keep my feet going, dashing through this emptiness of my head, filling up the hollow space of my own lost soul. I'm not in the safe town anymore. now I'm here, in the real sense of everything. I know I can study and do it. However, I don't know why I don't yet have that feeling of moving forward enthusiastically.

And, I just feel not burned up enough right now to pursue my journey here. I don't know why part of my heart is left somewhere. At a place my heart is always left floating around without any absolute and infinite answer of its own place. This heart that's supposed to be raging with the wants to succeed and study however is just filled with the longing of a person who doesn't really care or remember. I don't know how in this world could I have been dragged into this emotion, maybe because I'm not stressed enough to not think about trivial matters like this.

Upon this crucial and critical times of my life, during this hard decided moment, here I am being extremely clueless about everything and also here I am.. hoping for something that maybe will never happen in my life.