It's totally a new world

Bismillah. Oh gosh I haven' updated like a century don't I? yeah, well, I'm talking to myself, so of course I know the answer :)


        Oh well peers, who EVER read my blog or ever wonder about this blog, sorry for not updating for so long. My life is not that fun or worth it to be talked about by the way you know? And somehow now I just need a place to spill. So would you mind? You don't? OK coolio~ If possible, help me with my overwhelming thoughts OK? Thank you, love you guys. Muah2. :)

         Problems always come and go. First they come like a huge wave, bigger than tsunami and shake and crash everything that we has installed firm in our heart, our perspective, our mind and the next thing, they just go away, not visible anymore but leaving behind the most disastrous and terrifying phenomena before our own soul. We may try to rebuild everything, we may try to straighten the firm pole of our own principal and strength, but we can't. We just keep falling and falling and when we finally can make everything stand up in their normal positions again, though still functional, the traces of disaster that came before, still oblivious. It may seem very fade, like a tiny crack on a black wood, yet it is there, still having its place.

           My life always looks like sunshine. I tend to make myself believe that my life is a sunshine too. But that is my huge mistake, because slowly, my attempt had spread shadow that slowly seeping through my soul. The reality is, I am someone with a very dark soul, always so hot and bubbly like a volcano, ready for eruption. Why these kind of things happen to me? Ohhhh... I know, it must have been because of my life, the life of obedience and terrible lies.

         To be frank guys, I'm nothing but a normal teenager, who wish to have a life like a teenager. To have fun with my friends, or in the least to have my parents there, having fun with me, knowing and understanding my thoughts, my heart, my mind. Who cares about my needs and being with me to have fun sometimes. They do bring me somewhere to have fun with my siblings sometimes, but it is always about everyone, with me at last having to be responsible even during the time of having fun. I need parents who listen, who know what I mean, who understand my way of life, who understand my way of reactions, who consider and rethink when I make mistakes, who will have time for me, to hear my rants without me ending up getting scolded. I need parents who I can treat like friends, who still gain my respect, yet I am always comfortable with them. I need parents who will back me up, yet still give me advice and warning. I need parents who I don't have to feel disappointed over because they don't give that much attention to me, because they don't understand why I have been so far from them, why I'm being mad. I need parents who hear me crying even over small things without telling me to shut up and be a grown up. I need my parents who will at least praise me when i do something good and reward me when I do something worth a reward. I want parents who will buy me birthday presents and grant one wish when I did good on exam, without counting the expenses that they give to me everyday as my presents.

           Or at least I need family members who don't always say bad things about the paths I am choosing, or being too pessimist about everything. Who don't always talk bad about me and always hate me because of my true self. I need family who just love me the way I am, who respect me as a human being. I need family who recognizes my talent, who knows that I'm just as good as everyone else. A family who knows me by heart, who doesn't forget about me. My family who don't just remember those who are close, but also remember someone far such as myself. My family members who don't judge me badly for everything that I wanna do, and always try to see form my point of view. A family that understands that I am not the same as them, I love to live in a different world, but will still never forget about who I am, and never forget about who they are. Brothers and sisters that listen to me, who don't always make me stand on my nerve. My family members who understand that I hate to fight, but I will fight when I really desire the thing I am fighting for. I need family members who will say to me "Good Luck" and cheer me on my journey. I need my family to not always predicting about the bad future in everything that I want to choose in my future. Why they hate me for my path? I don't do anything that hurt them. I don't harm anyone.

Sometimes I really wanna cry, I really wanna scream into their face, but I hold it back and give them a smile instead. When they start to talk about how bad my route will be, I really wanna stand up and fight for my stand, but in the end, I just lower my head and ignore their nagging, acting deaf and I end it with a smile. I really don't understand them. Why do they want me to be like them? Yes, choosing Islamic way, being a good example, I'm sure my family wants just that. But I am not that person. You can't force someone to be just the way you are because you believe that is how people should be. It's not that I'm ignoring Islam, it's not that I go astray from my faith if I choose my route. It's not like I wanna change myself once I go oversea. No. Not at all. What I wanna do is to live my life in my own way. Without obstacles created by my own family. Going oversea doesn't mean I wanna be someone so high, arrogant and stuffs. Going overseas stands for an inspiration to me. It's where I can rebuild myself. It's where I can be motivational. But they can't understand. All they have in store is the bad stuff. All they have in store is their worries over bad consequences. I can't understand them. Why would they think of me in that way. The way the are predicting things for me alone shows how much distrust they have in me. Am I such a failure in their eyes? What do they know about me? The don't even know my talent and passion. They don't even know my age. I am always second best to my cousins, always being congratulated afterwards, always being left out by my own family. Why they always think nothing but bad things about me?

Yeah, I am clumsy, lazy, forgetful, immature yet in my own way. But can't they imagine me as someone who is not like that? Can't they have faith in me? Well, I bet they can't. They just love to act that way because they do think I am a loser. They do think I will turn out to be a bad fruit. But I will prove to them. I really will prove to them I am not and I will make them feel shy with themselves one day. With a better, improved me. That's my vow to myself.